« The more I have to say the less I want to speak »
Chris Ferreiras
In my world, speaking is not about getting words out, it’s about sharing. It can go so many ways, from jokes to serious and then profound, and then down the memory lane, and then random ideas that come in the middle of a subject, ideas that have nothing to do with the subject in question at the time, and yet nevertheless, pretty interesting so, to be pinned. And it never ends
This quote meant something to me because I can no longer find “speaking partners”, and I say “no longer” as I reached a version of myself that wants more.
But leaving that aside, because I suppose we all are more or less difficult to speak to, if not known and understood, speaking resumes to very little these days. Communication through actual speaking, has become rare, as the alternative communicating channels are so many and and hiding behind a screen is way more comfortable than the face to face old fashion way of doing things.
Nothing new here, a topic already approached so many times and not ready to die soon, on the contrary.
So, when there’s a need to speak, like a real NEED, a wall is faced. I guess in my case that wall is double because it’s the one mentioned before, caused by technology and the different ways to communicate, and another one built through years of speaking and being disappointed as I was not…understood. And what is funny is that …I didn’t know I was not understood, I thought I had a problem that made it impossible for me to be understood..
But this is me. What about the concept in general? Expressing oneself should be easy, well seen and appreciated….if only that didn’t become one of the most dangerous things ever in this day and age.
Words are everywhere, comments flowing from all types of channels, if all that could make a noise, it would be unbearable. How can one find real essence in all this? Real depth? Will it no longer be needed? The vocabulary is restricted to a minimum so a lot can be said the fastest possible…quantity, no quality…a mass of words and so little of them meaning anything, phrases that make no sense….
If I observe all that, how can I honestly say that I want to speak, express myself? I do NOT want to hear shallow opinions after having exposed inner thoughts that deserve way more than ridiculous and random come backs, the type that stop me from going further like water extinguishes a fire.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I need to express what I have in my mind, I need to get it out there, I feel like it’s eating me inside, it all generates inner conflicts, because by abstaining I cumulate, and by cumulating I get frustrated. And this frustration comes out, inevitably, at the worst possible moment of course, generates shame and makes me want to say again: I wish I hadn’t spoken.
And the circle starts again…
Meanwhile, the millions of other voices are speaking without any cumulated frustration, there is no fear of being misunderstood, everything goes, nothing is held back. It sounds wonderful when I put it like this, like an ideal world…if only the ideas and thoughts that were expressed had any real value.
90% of conversations develop around such unbelievably dull subjects and issues, that it’s like a “copy paste” never-ending process which doesn’t leave any doors open to real depth…
But that is what everyone is looking for: to speak without contributing in a real way, without leaving anyone thinking “hm, that is interesting”. The less we think, the better, the more we know, the worst.
Knowledge, deep conversations, analysis, understanding of what is around us and within us, that is avoided, and not even on purpose, it happens only because there are so many things out there that make us forget about the facts that could be fulfilling. Instead we are fulfilled by the all so powerful consumer society, it gives us all the satisfaction needed so the brain does not even try to go any further, it has it all.
Finally, if one thinks about it: what can we gain out of questioning ourselves and the world around us?
This is a question that can literally kill any other question. If the answer is “nothing” then no other thinking process is triggered, that’s it, no real gain proven, what good in “torturing” our spirits with ideas that lead nowhere…..let’s stick to what is practical, what brings real gain and makes us advance further into the fog that this society so generously provides: live without living, let life go by without understanding it or yourself, buy, consume, die.
I’ve been told I was too straightforward and that sometimes I have to “bend” the truth or even, not say it. I perfectly understood why, and I totally agree, we must adapt to the ones around us, going straight at it without considering the person we’re talking to, their state of mind, their personality, is a proof of non-consideration, it’s selfish. So I adjusted my way of expressing the ideas I had in the sense that, depending on who I had in front of me, I tried to get out the exact amount of words in the exact shape that would be accepted and maybe, helpful, to both of us. It works, of course, but it always leaves me “wanting for more”. Because I like to develop and to get into the subjects in a deeper manner, without hurting anyone of course, only I don’t get the feedback that allows me to do so. I “shape” my words and I measure them, the feedback is minimum, and then once I’m alone, I continue that conversation in my head…
Then again: I have a real need to expose my inner thoughts, and that is no one’s fault, and on one is supposed to “offer” themselves and be exactly who I need in order to satisfy my need. I have to cope with it and also ask myself this question: how much of not being understood comes from the shape of my speech, which could very well not make sense to someone else, me and how much from the fact that the other person is not mentally compatible with me?
The initial dialogue partner choice is crucial. We all have our character, our own inner world, and they’re all worth knowing I guess, but there’s also the compatibility issue: when there is none, those worlds, yours and the one of the person in front of you, will not meet.
So now that I’m writing this and that I’m thinking about it, it is definitely a question of choice. We cannot be understood if we choose to express ourselves to people whose ideas don’t resonate with ours. It ‘s implicit that that means to have a prior knowledge of that person, a knowledge that goes beyond the basic “likes” and “dislikes”.
But getting back to the subject, because all of the reasons I quoted at the beginning, the more I have to say, the less I want to speak, I suppose I need to have less to say (terms which literally make no sense), in order to feel fulfilled and know that I was fully heard and understood.
But I’m not. And it hurts…so, in a way, a part of me, the biggest one, is hidden. The rest of me can do chit chat, joke and be part of the society. I guess it’s better than nothing….