« Forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what only time could teach«
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Forgiveness.
This is a concept mainly used when we think of others, because it’s an act that comes from within and which has a specific target, linked to a person.
Someone’s been unfaithful, harsh, dismissive, they have done you wrong, according to your beliefs and standards and what you deserve. We have the choice: to forgive or to cut, leave behind, burn the bridge, put it in the “unforgiven” box. If the latter is chosen, it is done after considerable weighing of the consequences on ourselves and the other person. Or is it? I still ask myself that question very often because the decision can also be taken fast and with very little thinking
Nevertheless, it is boxed and our mind must make peace with it. We’ve chosen to not forgive and we’ll take on the carefully (or not..) weighed consequences.
As I see it, this is a crucial moment. Starting with that moment, there is no coming back, because we’ve decided that we are not in line with the scenario where forgiveness could have been applied. We have decided that forgiving is unacceptable, it didn’t match with our principles, it was more than we could accept and it couldn’t find a box inside ourselves that could be closed.
And if that box couldn’t be closed, it meant that the echoes would always be heard, the pain or the anger would never cease to express themselves and we would never be at peace with the situation and therefore not able to trust and be open to the other person. We’d always have resentments.
Resentment. What a soul eating and mind torturing feeling. It’s a feeling that we don’t choose to have, it just appears as a direct result of someone’s behavior that had a negative impact on us.
It shrinks parts of us, makes us look at the world differently, leaves marks that cannot be erased and that transform our inner selves forever. It is a “legit” feeling and yet we feel guilty for having it because, of course, it’s part of those that are “forbidden”, if we are to follow any mental health speech. So we feel guilty even though we don’t admit it. Actually, resentment is not openly admitted, it’s not something anyone is proud of, by admitting it, we automatically show that we are vulnerable and that we’ve let our inner peace and balance be influenced by someone else.
That inner peace and balance that are so praised and make us “the better person”
And that brings me to that part: the better person. This is what is preached everywhere by everyone: be the better person, rise above, don’t let anything influence you, let go of what hurts etc etc. Things that are NOT compatible with the human nature but which are almost imposed to us, and if not accomplished, make us feel little and weak
So if something affects us, affects our inner self because we don’t have the strength to ignore, we have a choice: either we show it and stand by it, or we fake it: I’m ok, all is good, of course I’m not upset, I’ve other things on my plate, don’t worry about it. Creates a good image of ourselves in front of others and closes the chapter. The authentic part has gone out the window and the resentment is born.
And then there is the real forgiveness, the other box we put it all. We don’t forget, of course, for me the “forgive and forget” doesn’t exist (if not only from a neurological point of view). We can alter the memory, by making it less striking, all by inducing the idea that it’s not important compared to other things, but we will never forget it. It’s put in “sleep mode”.
So we forgive. We let go of the negative feelings because after inner deliberation, the outcome is a positive one: we feel better and we know that it’s worth it. We realize it was not an intentional act, the context was a particular one and the person in question is one that has a lot of qualities, most of which we admire. All in all, we can still be ourselves with that person, and at the end, that’s all that matters. Forgiving makes us feel better about ourselves, I guess (real forgiveness not fake one, only “for the cameras”). We’ve managed to determine what is important and what is not, we get to be fair to ourselves and the other person whilst advancing in a relationship (if there is one), or closing a small chapter without ever rethinking it. Closure…
And now to the core of this article: what if the person we need to debate over, is our own self?
What if that person is the one we have to decide whether to forgive or not? What if we cannot and we resent ourselves? The ramifications of that are numerous and have an impact on our lives and the ones that we interact with.
And of course, self-resentment can lead, and is often linked to the one we have towards others.
I wish this text was about self-forgiveness as a given, over time, as something that comes naturally. Maybe it does, for some, maybe it happens automatically, or maybe it doesn’t even occur, because the person is in perfect alignment with themselves, past and present versions.
But it’s not my case.
Self-forgiveness is tricky as the one analyzed and criticized, is yourself, and that is our “blind spot”. We are our own blind spot, and during our lives, accidents happen and the damages appear later on in forms of regrets and self-resentment, of course. Bitterness comes along also. So all this has to be processed and purged, if possible, otherwise it festers, but it’s easier said than done.
Depending on what happens in our lives, our past behaviors and the damages we’ve done to ourselves and others may show themselves or not. Comparisons appear and associations are made. I so envy those who manage to not make these associations and comparisons. It either takes a lot of self-confidence or just innocent ignorance, but whichever it is, I am extremely envious.
The different versions of ourselves have their own part to play, and the way they play it, depends on the context at the time: our inner development, the knowledge we had, the standards and principles cumulated up until that age, level of maturity and so many others. But we don’t wait until all is aligned with some universal rule (which doesn’t exist and even if it did, cannot apply evenly to all ages), we must take decisions, and so we start developing a certain behavioral pattern.
Experiences gained over time either confirm or disconfirm this pattern and the hard part is when you find yourself in the latter situation. The pattern is reviewed, but with older eyes and a different behavior. The past “us” may be so different from the “present” us, that it could create a huge shift and everything is reviewed.
We often say “how could I’ve ever been able to say/do that?!” It’s something you’d never do now. And associations are made. Now I’m narrowing this to my own case, cause I have a real problem with associations. They are no longer healthy ones, they are biased by the element of “ multiple bad outcomes”, so the reality is distorted. There are only a few moments that I can remember in which I was doing the right thing according to the “now me”. All the rest are categorized as « the bad ones » and I keep dwelling on them.
And most of all I cannot imagine why, at the time, the decisions I took seemed right…the difference between the “now me” and the “then me” is enormous.
So, to get back to the quote “…that only time could teach”
We only have a limited amount of that. Time. So I guess that the more aware we are, the more chances we have to reassess ourselves. We say “there is plenty of time”.
That is relative. A lot of things can change in short period of time, and then there could be a longer period of …nothing.
Life is also “going with the flow”, right?
I did that half my life, giving importance to things depending on how I felt at the time. I was a free spirit, so to speak, always had in mind the “there is plenty of time” and “it won’t happen to me”. I went with “better to do it than to regret”. That version of me was ok with these concepts, they reassured me and didn’t make me question myself too much. But it was all based on the “there is plenty of time”. That is like the ultimate procrastination, even if you don’t have a given task, you just assume that if there is something to be done, you have the time for it, so you don’t worry.
I have to play with the cards I’ve dealt during my youth, and I realize that the “better to do it than to regret” is overrated. The “better not do it, or you’ll regret” should also be taken into consideration..
Forgiving oneself it difficult because you’re talking to someone who lived thinking they were doing the best they could while taking pleasure out of the “there is plenty of time”. They’re not to blame, they are to envy maybe, but not to blame.
I just wish this truth can replace the negative biases in my head…and stop me from making associations that keep in place the same pattern, instead of changing it
I wish I could forgive myself but also to have done things differently, so in the end, I don’t know if I can reach the forgiveness part…